Caution: this is not for anyone under the age of 16. If you are offended easily, stop now.
When COVID-19 hit the United States, the company I work for took steps to allow us to work remotely. We slowly exited the office a couple at a time, per day. The transition was a bit difficult and the learning curve was steep. But, since May 20th 2020 I have been working from home. I am grateful every day that I have a job.
This also was the day I started to design a new healthy me!
I joined Optiva. It is not a diet plan! It is designed so a person can become healthy; mind, body and soul. It is a health plan. This actually worked out well with me not going into work. Our CFO is a triathalon running mother fucker who buys shit food and leaves it in the break room for all to eat. Cookies, candies, brownies, cup cakes, cheese cake (my favorite, fucking bitch) but she doesn’t eat any of it. Whatever you skinny bitch, I’m not playing by your rules any more.
Now, like many people, I am a stress eater. My job can be extremely stressful, especially when you have some self appointed boss man yelling at you that your company can’t keep shit in stock for him when he only orders it once a year. God, how his life must suck. I bet you anything that he sits at home in his underwear eating T.V. dinners. His only excitement is going into work and calling people to belittle them. Yes boys and girls, when bullies grow up, they don’t have real friends. Just sad little wanabe’s hanging with him till they tire of the shitty way they get treated. Even his neighbors put out a petition to prevent him from sucking up the oxygen of decent people. Part of me wants to feel sorry for him but the majority of me want to find documentation that supports my theory that his real parents left him in a trash can cause even they knew what kind of asshole he would turn out to be.
Did I mention my job can be stressful?
However, I am good at my job. I kept my cool and tried to provide him with information he would be able to use for the future such as 3-4 week lead times and forecasting. Evidently, he takes this as me trying to tell him how to do his job. Weelll, I wouldn’t have to if he could do it but I understand his life is difficult. Stupid fucking trash can baby. But, I digress. This is supposed to be about how not to support someone and me figuring out how not to stress eat. Yeah, the sentence it choppy but you’ll understand here in a minute.
After a day of dealing with dick munches like the one I mentioned. And not being able to release my wrath of pirate verbiage on him, I got stressed out. My go to when I’m stressed is cheeseburgers, French fries and beer. OMG, that is the best comfort food! However, I know that I cannot eat these things and continue to remain in metabolic fat burn. So, I reached out to my social community for support. I needed to hear things like ‘you can do this’ and ‘this is what I do when I’m feeling that way [insert suggestion]’ but I managed to get one that thought I was an idiot.
I need to back up a little. On the Optiva plan, there are 4 parts to it. You get a health coach, an educational book/work book, the fuelings and the social community I mentioned above. Without going into too many details, the book has an amazing amount of information that really is the basis to leading a healthy life. It gives us tools to use to keep us there. Now back to the woman that thought I was an idiot.
This woman started trying to use these tools on me. In my head, I’m screaming, listen bitch. This is not my first rodeo. I read the fucking book, I know what I need to do I just need a pat on the back. But she would not stop. The CSR in me came out and said, ‘okay, I understand where you are going but you need to know I just don’t give a shit.’ Again, she would not stop. Her pandering unhelpful comments made we want to bath in a tub of cheeseburgers with a cooler full of endless beer to wash it down. In my mind, I could see me beating her to within an inch of her life and then eating the cheeseburger and french fries while I sat on her face and expelled copious amounts of noxious gas into her face.
Hey, quick side note. I know a lot of CSR people. We are all like this. Be nice to us!
So here’s what happened. I fixed it. I asked myself why do I stress eat. It is to make me feel better. So, what can I do that will make me feel better without eating. The first thing I did was put on a pair of shorts I couldn’t wear last year cause I was too fat. BTW, I look fucking good. Then I started a blog. What better way to get my stress out than to write everything that is taboo to say out loud?
With that being said, my husband said I can’t publish what I really wrote. Evidently I’ll hurt someone’s little feelings; ya fucking pansy asses.