I Can Shop Here, it’s Gluten Free

Hello boys and girls, welcome back to another episode of Advice from a crazy lady.  Where I tell you what is on my mind and you shake your head and wonder how on God’s green earth did this lady escape the asylum. (I’ll tell you how some other day.  It was quite brilliant if I do say so myself.)  But today, I’m going to talk to you about the things that I hear and read.  That doesn’t sound very exciting does it? Oh contraire mon frere! Remember this is Advice from a crazy lady. Keep reading, you will understand.  

I hear things that most people do not. Not the voices in my head, those are different. Well… I’m sure they contribute but they are almost always cartoonish.  (Please file away the statement ‘almost always’, this will be needed information for a different episode.) Oh no, what I’m talking about today are the things that I HEAR.  Think of it as a song lyric that everyone loves but don’t know the real words to.  For example, Elton John’s Bennie and the Jets.  I do not think most people know the words to the song, but they are all singing along.  YES, those words.  The ones you make up but think they are right.   

For me, this does not just go with song lyrics, but with everything I sort of hear.  Let me give you a little background.  My husband says I have Vulcan-like hearing.  I will get up from my seat to answer the door before the doorbell rings.  

He will ask: What are you doing?   

I look back him and say: ‘Package is being delivered.  Didn’t you hear the truck pull up?’   

As the conversation is going on between the two of us the doorbell will ring and low and behold, there is a package being delivered.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that does this.  There must be more people that have super hearing – I believe most of them to be moms.   If one you out there reading this could kindly tell me how you present this particular talent on your resume, I’d love to ‘hear’ it.  Yep, pun intended!  

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t always work. I’ll be having a conversation and hear: “We should kill the person and hide the dead body.” When what was really said is: “That person is killing it! We should go join him.”  Okay, so my mind might have been on work related tasks when I was half listening to the person next to me. Or possibly some wishful thinking. Who knows! Thankfully, I ask questions before I take action.   

There are times when I try to transfer my Vulcan hearing to my reading ability.  Now, before I get into that, you need to know I am an educated woman that can read and write well.  But too often I just glance at what I am supposed to be reading. Which leads to me reading it incorrectly.  Or it could be my subconscious telling me something needs to be fixed and I have an idea.  

For example, I have been losing weight (please ask me about this, I’d love to tell you about the program).  Meaning that the pants that I once wore no longer fit.  I can put them on, but they are really baggy. And since I have about 10 more pounds to lose and my pocketbook says I can’t go on a shopping spree, I buy one or two items from places like ThreadUp.  

If you have never used ThreadUp, I would highly recommend it!  I have never been let down by what I’ve received, and it costs so much less than buying new.  I still like to buy new, but this just allows me to buy more often.   

Any who…. In my package of items, there was a tag from ThreadUp.  I glanced at it and as normal, this is where it goes sideways.   I read Gluten Free Shopping. I have no allergies that would mean that I needed to shop Gluten Free nor do I suspect anyone else does.  I thought this was marketing genius!  So many items advertise as gluten free. It should be blatantly obvious that it has been all along. So, of course, I laugh and go running downstairs to show my husband the tag.   

I’m holding back my explosive giggles the best I can, so we can laugh out loud together. He turns to me with a puzzled look on his face.  In my mind, I’m screaming: Oh for Christ sakes, do I have to point everything out.   

With a grin on my face and a twinkle in my eye I say, “See, it says Gluten-Free Shopping!”  expecting light the blub to go off over his head and for us to roll on the floor together laughing. But, instead, he frowns at me.   

Not what I expected!  

“Sweetheart, it says guilt-free shopping.”    

My entire body deflated. I grabbed the tag from him and looked at it.  Sure as shit, that is what it said.  For quite for a while I was silent – this in itself is something that doesn’t happen very often.  I looked up at him and said, “I need to contact them, they are missing out on a brilliant marketing idea. Gluten Free Shopping!”   

And that, right there, is Advice from a crazy lady!  

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