How to Fart Like a Lady

When I was growing up, I remember adults telling me that farting wasn’t ladylike.  This statement was lost on me. What the hell does that mean? Ladylike?  Isn’t farting frowned upon by everyone?  Is there someone you know that can fart in public, and it’s completely acceptable?  I want to meet this person.  Better yet, I want to be this person.

You wonder how I ended up on this subject.  Let me tell you!  First, I need to tell you some stories from my past that will help to build some understanding.  Each story is like a building block to the end of this squirrel-like thinking of mine.

When my stepdaughter Kyra was about three years old, we went camping. This was the first time that we took the kids camping, so it was an new experience for all of us.  We were in a parking lot of the campsite when someone pulled around us at a fast pace.  My husband hurled a curse at him, “Asshole!”  We then hear a small voice in the back seat, “Asshole.”  That was the point in time when we realized that Kyra repeats what we say.

I wanted to burst out laughing, but my better judgment told me that was not a good idea.  I rarely listen to my better judgment, but this time I did. I looked at her and said, “Daddy shouldn’t have said that.  You probably shouldn’t repeat that.” With utmost innocence on her face, she looked at me and said, “My mom says farting is fun.” Who am I to argue? I agreed with her and laughed so hard I thought my face was going to split open.

As a side note, Kyra is now 19 and says asshole all the time. I’m now 49 and say farting is fun all the time.  She’s not the only one that can repeat things!

The second part is, again, from my children.  They happen to be a great source of information I never thought I needed or could use. It turns out, I do!

We are a blended family.  I brought three children into the relationship, and my husband also brought three. I guess you could compare use to The Brady Bunch, but the Brady’s I remember would be appalled by my family’s antics. My children are loud and brash, much like their mother.  They enjoyed doing things that make people laugh and possibly make them feel slightly uncomfortable like you might when you fart in public.  My husband’s children, on the other hand, are quiet, reserved, and sneaky little devils.  They were much better at not getting caught doing something naughty, but they were entirely on board with farting out loud.

One night, as I am ranting at the children about something silly like taking care of their clothes, turning off lights when they leave the room, or respecting each other’s personal things, one of them blurts out, “Well, we can’t all fart rainbows and glitter.” I have to tell you, this shut me up.  Not because it was abnormal, but I wondered which one of them was capable of farting rainbows and glitter. I don’t recall seeing any of them doing that. What a fantastic idea!  What do I need to do? Fart glitter, and then a rainbow magically appears behind me? How’s this work? 

Oddly enough, I stopped ranting and started discussing the possibilities of such a thing.  Because this could be important. We never did figure out how to do it.  And sometimes, when I’m bored, I still think about it – I’ve got ideas!

Okay, this now leads me to our topic of discussion. How to Fart like a Lady.  I’ve been losing weight (ask me about it, I’d love to tell you about it-no really ask! I’m down 30 pounds).  There are certain foods on the program that cause me to be gassier than I normally am.  I am quite the gassy person, to begin with, but I need to be careful about what I am putting in my digestive system on this program, or the world will hear me ROAR! FFFFFFTTTTT!

 I also swim laps for exercise.  On one of these nights, I was swimming laps and producing my own bubbles.  But I didn’t want the lifeguard to know I was farting in the pool, so I wouldn’t fart until I flipped.  I figured there would be enough commotion with me flipping and pushing off the wall that it would go unnoticed.  At one point, I found myself trying to get to the other end of the pool before I farted again, and the thought of glitter coming out of my ass every time I did it completely horrified me!  Lord, they would find out I was farting in the pool.  I might as well be peeing in the pool with a blue dye showing up around me. Forget the rainbow!  The glitter would point a finger right at me!

This led me to asking the question: How do you fart like a lady? I still don’t have the answer.  So much for advice from a crazy lady! Fuck it!  I’m going back to the glitter and rainbows cause farting is fun!

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